Looking for Joy.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

James 1:2-4

This year my joy went missing. I’ve been looking for it everywhere, and I dont know where I put it. It all started last year actually, when my father was diagnosed with an unknown brain problem in July, which turned out to be a brain tumour.

 

He deteriorated quickly and died before being able to commence chemotherapy, in January this year. 2010 got off to a bad start. I started maternity leave the week after he died, and entered a time of physical nesting, renovating the kids’ room and the baby's room. I was pleased with the results, but not overjoyed...  as it was physically taxing, and although able to muster the occasional help, it was basically all my doing, whilst heavily pregnant.

 

I had a lovely baby shower with some great friends and received many beautiful gifts, but I still didn’t get overly joyous. It was a battle between the head and the heart to enjoy the moment.
I gave birth to my daughter no 3 in April, in a mad rush to the hospital (frightened I wouldn’t make it, like no 2's birth experience). Home the same afternoon, I didnt get much chance to stop and rest. Three weeks later, on mothers day and my birthday, I got to sing n share at our mothers day service at church.... a full on effort for a mum with a newborn, who had just entered its first week of colic and reflux.   From this time onwards for a period of about three months I spiralled through all the realms of a colicky infant, crying for hours on end, only resolved when wind was passed. I got the baby hold down pat. Lying on her tummy in my arms, my hand up through the legs, rubbing in clockwise circle on her lower abdomen, whilst rocking and shushing for hours in the dark, trying to catch the puke on bibs or cloth nappies slung over my arm. Also trying not to wake my husband and kids so that they could continue on at work n school unaffected. Anyway... after trying everything I could possibly get my hands on, we started solids at 3mths n 3wks with a good result. The colic slowed, the reflux became less extensive. The wind was still present but now it was predictable, and workable.

Around the same time, I came to the realisation, that my old, old, old, dog Eden had one foot in the grave, and the other not far behind it. She was incontinent  and at times unable to stand. I think she also was blind and starting to suffer dementia. She spent hours indoors in the laundry sleeping in puddles. I had struggled for six months putting off the inevitable trip to the vet.  I wanted her to die in her sleep at home. My husbabd didnt want to pay hundreds of dollars for the deed. The whole family didnt want to see her go. She still had some interest in life, and would stand in the doorway crying for us to come feed her, every night when we sat down to tea.  She would leave nose marks on the sliding door as she peered in at us eating. Soooo after 3  yucky days of fecal incontinence, and not being able to walk unless I held her back legs up, I made the phone call and booked her in.  She was over 110yrs old in equivalent human years.

At the time, we had come to realise we needed a larger car. We had stepped up a size as family, and my little red kia was coping but only just with our new addition. We had a friend who suddenly found herself in need of a car, and taking advantage of the opportunity to ensure my little red kia would go to someone lovely, we sold it to her. Id had this car since I bought her brand new 10 yrs ago and she was a great car. She'd never broken down on me, ran like clockwork, and was amazingly economical. Plus I got to choose what color she was, and what perks she had etc... and although just a machine, I wanted to make sure she went to a good owner. So we seized the opportunity, and deciding to sell her, we had to buy a larger replacement car. Unfortunately, due to maternity leave, the banks turned us down when we applied for a loan, and we had to use money we'd saved for an overseas trip later in the year, to buy the big black beauty of a car we now own. Unfortnately I cant take  extended holidays once I return to work, so we had to surrender the plan of a family trip O/S something we'd been dreaming about for a couple of years now
. So I sold my old friend - the Kia, gained a nice near new black beauty replacement.

Even this didnt bring overwhelming joy... it was stressful getting a car, it was stressful learning how it worked. I had to let go of my old attachment, and learn to relate to something different. My car defined me, now I was not a bright young woman in the zippy red car, but a stylish 'tryhard' middle aged mum with kids. There's a ring of joylessness about that definition although  I know there shouldnt be. So on the day I got the black beauty of a car, I visited the vet and said good bye to my old dog, and my old car, and my holiday. Another set of griefs.

That was a couple of months ago. Last month, I  was sick with an acute onset of facial pain- agony which lasted for about 10 days, and saw me in hospital requiring IV fluids and narcotics to relieve it. I am still facing ongoing neurological investigations into the cause of this pain, and occasional spasms, and  am having dental treatment for a few problem teeth;  all very unpleasant experiences and fairly expensive too.
In October this year my mum, who had now been living alone in a big ol house for 8 mths,  put the  family home up for sale.  I am acutely aware that this Christmas will probably be the last year in my family home I grew up in, and it causes  me a lot of sadness although I know its a wise thing for mum to down size.

So many memories to say good bye to.  This Christmas will be the first without Dad, without my dog, the last in my old family home. I have also heard of the death of friends, unexpected and in their prime, and families  facing this Christmas without their loved ones too.
I completed my masters in June this year, and just attended my graduation. With this achievement, also comes the cessation of university studies, relief, a sense of accomplishment but also finale. So many sadnesses, so many losses, so many ends, so many letting go's.
My joy has escaped me this year and I haven’t been able to locate it. Am I depressed? Sort of,  sometimes, but it's only reactionary to the sad circumstances that have come my way.  It’s been a long time since I had a belly shaking laugh, you know, the pant wetting laughs. I miss those laughs. This is not pathological.
Life has its ups and downs. God does not promise skies forever blue,

and 2010 has been relatively grey for me.
But what I do know is that the sun still shines behind the grey clouds, and that eventually the winds change,  the clouds dissipate  or are blown away, and once again the sun can beam on through.  I know this is just a season, and to be quite frank,  I can find joy in the fact that Ive been blessed to not have such a season unitl now in my life.  I can find blessing in the fact I had a  good relationship with my Dad.I didnt have unresolved issues with him, when he passed. I am exceeding blessed by my beautiful children and husband. I can find joy in knowing I loved my dog and gave her a long life of  love.  I am glad to have finance to own my car, despite the sacrifice and it meets the needs of my growing family.  I am blessed with an inquiring mind that enjoys study and learning,  well into my adult years.  And in general, I have health, Thank you God for 2010. And even though I dont feel the joy right now, I am counting it all as joy. I am looking forward to next year and the opportunity to reclaim the joy in many different ways.