This afternoon, as I lay on the bed with my baby daughter breastfeeding, I had a thought. She was doing this very cute thing as she lay between my husband and I. After suckling for a few seconds she would roll over to face my husband (asleep with his back towards us) and touch him on his back or shoulder and smile. Then after a few seconds of resting her little hands on him, she would roll back, find my nipple and start suckling for a few more seconds before breaking off and returning to touching her daddy. She did this over and over, and the image of a little baby girl in a beautiful pink sun dress, lying facing her daddy with her little hand on his shoulder trying to get his attention, made me smile. As I gazed beyond this little scene, I looked through the window, through the lace curtains, out to the little stream beyond our house, and watched as the surging wind caused ripples on the michal, tossed the eucalyptus trees side to side and made the rose bushes sway against the glass of the window. I wanted to capture this doubly beautiful image forever, and called out to my eldest to bring me the phone, aka camera.
In her usual 8 yr old self, she groaned and moaned, dragging her feet to the chore and I had to raise the level of voice, deepen the tone to an authoritarian level, and after numerous suggestions of locality, I exited the bed, stirring my husband, who had by now rolled over to face us, to watch the baby, chucking a pillow to her side to block her attempts to roll out of bed. Having opened his eye, I felt he was fit to watch her, and I dashed off towards the lounge and then the kitchen scanning for the object of my intent. Quickly giving up the search, daughter no 1 exited, and then from the bedroom I heard a loud thud, some quick, sheet ruffled movements , with correlating exasperated tones, mingled with the raising cries of a baby. I sprinted to the room, connecting with my husband as he finally cornered the bed end and we both scooped her off the floor together, muttering anxious, consoling words. Fortunately, in my sloppiness Id knocked clothes off the bed as I got up, and she had landed on them, so other than a fright and a hard landing, there appeared to be no major injuries despite being a high bed and a carpeted concrete slab floor. My anxiety abated after a visual once over of her little body and snuggling her lengthways into my chest, my anger finally got the better of me.
Why cant I leave my baby on the bed for a couple of minutes? How could he not have watched her after I asked him to? Why did I leave her with a groggy husband, hardly able to open his eyes? How could my no 1 daughter be so slack not to have seen the phone on the kitchen bench behind the water bottle, needing me to get up and go find it myself? How come I have to be the only one responsible all the time for the care of all the children ? Why is there never someone I can lean on for a while? I get so tired of having to be responsible all the time...now I have to do neuro obs for a couple of hours to ensure she hasnt caused herself any serious harm. why why why? I berated myself, I could only really blame me.
At nearly 8 mths Lily is mobile and a danger to herself, and I am her primary carer. I had simply wanted to capture a beautiful moment in hard copy, and now I had caused her significant harm by not thinking. Im such a bad mum some times. Argghhh I try so hard and yet I fail. All my kids have had a fall off the bed, once... around this age. You'd think Id learn. Yet time and again, I take risks... unwisely trust others to care as I would; Place unrealistic expectations on them. I demand assistance from those not capable of the task. I am the mother and it is my responsibility to be on duty 24/7. I cannot rest. Im not allowed. But I am not perfect. I am so faulty. Its not surprising, Im not the proverbs 31 woman after all. I'm not above rubies, I'm below opals, I'm grounded, earthly, weak and not able.
But HE is able...the bible tells me so,
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present your faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever, Amen." Jude 24,25 .
He is able to keep me from falling, and to present me faultess... eventually. Ashamed of my need, I read on in "My word for today",
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? (Rom 8:35) God loves us just as we are, imperfect but forgiven. Face it your Loveable! ... and I remember that he loves us enough to meet us right where we are at.... right there at the bedside with howling baby, and right there sitting by the cot side watching this baby as she has a bad dream of falling and cries out in her sleep. He meets us right there in the midst of our frustration and anger at others but more importantly, at ourselves.
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
He has met us in our current state. He is not afraid of our weaknesses. This is where God excels.
I am so glad that I am still a work in progress and God hasnt given up on me yet. I am weak and faulty, I fail and I fall. I even cause others to fall. Most desperately, I need Him. and He is enough for me,
and for my family.
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